Color my world

I live life out loud.  I love, laugh, cry, screw up and yell in full color.  Every moment of life should be lived, without question, full-speed ahead.

When I was in choir in my youth, my teacher called me out on my mistakes in front of the entire class.  I was mortified.  He said, “If you’re going to make mistakes, make them loud.  There’s no shame in them unless you don’t learn.”  Agreed.  Truer words were never spoken.

I’d rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.  I’d rather fall, get up, fall again and get up (again) than stay still in fear.

But let me tell you a little something about fear: It is very underestimated.  Fear makes people do all sorts of crazy things.  It’s the pain/pleasure thing.  Until the pain outweighs the pleasure, nothing will change.  People tolerate all sorts of nonsense (myself included) because, while it may not be fun, the fear of the unknown is enough to keep of putting up with bullshit.

In all of this, I find that people challenge me past my limits.  Uncomfortable, yes.  But worth it, if I am validated in the process.

I can be a little high maintenance.  Not, like, “Buy me stuff and take me places, blah blah blah.”  Nope.  I’m *not* that girl.  I do, however, demand affirmation.  And I shut down faster than a bank at closing time when I don’t get it.  I withdraw and isolate.  And you know what the messed up thing is?  It isn’t because I am angry.  It’s because, suddenly, all the awful things I think about myself come seeping into my thoughts – contaminating my self-worth.  Poisoning my confidence.  It’s a horrible feeling.

I’ve worked to change that.  Letting color slip in to replace the darkness.  It isn’t easy.  And every now and then, a little birdie will tweet past me, singing his song of life and instantly adding light and color back in.  I light up from the inside, and radiate that out.

I’m so thankful for that color.  A song that I heard, first, in the depths of the night when I was 10 years old has always made my heart sing a little.  So simple, the words, and yet… how much they mean.  Colour my world, by Chicago.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s