Push

The last post of February, more than likely.  It’s been a rough year for me, so far.  I haven’t blogged to that effect, but it has been.

I spent January in thankfulness.  And it was appropriately timed.  I probably would have lost my mind if I wouldn’t have.  February renewed my love for music.  I pulled out the old CD case (you know, the case with sleeves for, like, 300 CDs) and ripped a bunch of new music into iTunes.  Yay for me.  Smashing Pumpkins, Matchbox 20, Led Zepplin.  Also, discovered Adele… wow.  That’s all I can say.  Downloaded the album and I can’t figure out which one I love the most, just yet.  I’ll keep you updated.

March is almost upon us.  I have decided to blog with a vocabulary word as my title next month.  Fun and unique words.  I think it’ll be neat to find a new way to build a blog around a particularly interesting word.  But, I am a nerd that way.

I am nervously talking.  If you knew me in real life, you’d know that was my way of filling space.

Why am I so nervous… for no good reason.  I’m hiding behind avatars and screen names.  No real reason to worry about you dear readers knowing who I am.  And yet… I am nervous.

I know I’ve let people down.  Let myself down.  I slip.  I’m needy.  I feel like a failure.  I can’t seem to follow through on anything and I am so fucking co-dependant that I believe stupid things.

It’s been difficult for many, many moons now.  Tough to describe, but I suppose deep down, I have always thought I deserved nothing better than what I have.  I work for more and I want more… but truthfully?  I don’t think I deserved more.

I am foolish and I believe that things will change.  I think love is enough.  But my heart and my head fight this battle all the time. I know things won’t change and despite the love that is there, what is contaminating every fiber of my being are the awful words and actions.

I’m not without fault.  Trust me – I’m no angel.  I have my laundry list of things I need to work on, as well. So I know it isn’t one-sided.  But, I want change and I seem to be the only one moving forward.

It’s a horrible feeling that most people won’t understand unless you’ve been here. And that isn’t to excuse my pathetic and worthless behavior. But it is a feeling of self-loathing and sadness that I can’t describe. We beat the odds, until now.  Now, it seems like it’s us who’s taking the beating. I just want to feel loved and secure.

It is to the point where I can’t even stand to hear about the good things in other people’s relationship because it is so devastating to me. To hear someone say, “My wife did this,” or “My husband did that” or “My girlfriend said this.”  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Must be awesome to be you. Bite me.

I am not a bad person…  Just apparently pathetic.

So here is the final song, which is a testament to dysfunctional, co-dependant and abusive relationships.  Push, by Matchbox 20.

If you have found this post, today, and you are going through it, too, know that you aren’t alone.  But I don’t have any answers.  If I did… this would be an entirely different post.

But if you do have some answers… fuck.  I’m all ears.

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