Need you now

30 days of music – day 30: Name your favorite song a year ago

I stumbled upon Lady Antebellum a year ago-ish.  And I fell in love with them.  Seriously – their music is fantastic.

Particularly, Need you now.  That song was my favorite for months, after I heard it.  As a matter of fact, I bought the whole album and didn’t even listen to it for about 2 weeks.  Just that one song.

It was just so sweet and sad and wonderful.

“It’s a quarter after one; I’m a little drunk and I need you now.”
“Said I wouldn’t call, but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.”

As it turned out, I loved their whole album.

Also, a friend of mine turned me on to some old Prince music that I was, otherwise, oblivious to.  “Let’s pretend we’re married.”  Yeah… holy shit.  That song is so fucking dirty I can barely stand it.  Okay… between you and me.  I can stand it.  …. Seconds from putting my favorite line from the song, but I won’t.  It’s naughty naughty naughty.  Naughty.

So…. my dear readers.  That is it for the 30 days of music.  It was a wild ride.  Wild.  Lots of ups and downs.  But it was beautiful and I am grateful that I did it.

Up next month?  Favorite quotes.  Thanks for the inspiration for that.

Everybody wants to rule the world

30 days of music – Day 28: Name a song from your childhood

Some of these can be so difficult.  On April 1st, when I was first looking at the list of prompts, I was going to use Borderline, by Madonna.  But that song has no relevance in my life, except that it is a song from my childhood.  After a whole month of thinking about it (and so glad to be moving on from yesterday’s difficult post), I am choosing “Everybody wants to rule the world” by Tears for Fears.

Of course, if you know anything by now, you’d know that song would have relevance in my life.

In the interest of keeping things a little lighter today, versus the heaviness of yesterday (which is still weighing on my heart as I type), the funny story to that song is that it came out in the mid-80’s, but I don’t remember listening to any of it until 1987.  Why that year?  Well, I was getting ready to move with my family to Southern California.  And I remember thinking that the lyrics of the song were, “Every body wants to move away.”  Ha ha.  In my seven year old mind, I had no idea what it actually said.  I just thought the song was about me.

Other songs that mattered from back then:

  • Here I go again – Whitesnake (reminds me of a mexican guy with a heavy accent who spoke very little english – and he *loved* Whitesnake)
  • What’s love got to do with it – Tina Turner (reminds me of my mom in happier times)
  • Jump – Van Halen (this was the first album my brother owned – and he’s big into hip-hop these days.  Who knew I’d be the big VH fan, in the end?)
  • I think we’re alone now – Tiffany (my brother had a poster of this chick on his wall)
  • Let’s talk about sex – Salt N Peppa (I knew every word to this song and had *no* idea what it was really about.  Either a testament to my naivety or that under all this brown hair, I’m really a blonde)

I’m kinda bereft; tomorrow ends the 30 days of music and I have no idea what I am going to blog about next month.  Maybe I’ll let the universe guide me.   I’m not always as good at the whole “let-the-universe-guide-me” as I could be.

We’ll see.

Hurt

30 days of music – Day 28: Name a song that makes you feel guilty

I have almost been dreading this post.  Not dreading… apprehensive.  Maybe that’s the right word.

The song that makes me feel guilty is/was “Hurt” by Johnny Cash.  Not the NIN version.  Specifically the Johnny Cash version.

*sigh*  Okay… here we go…..

I have mentioned before that I was crazy.  I was.  I am.  Depends on the day and how you see it.

I was/am bulimic.  I sorta believe that it’s like being an alcoholic.  Once you are, you are.  Your goal is to be less of one than more.

Some days are worse than others.  In most cases, I feel like I am still in recovery, but I have my issues.

Believe me – I like to eat.  But I get a little disordered sometimes.  For example, I still have a hard time eating in front of people.  And that is everyone, as a general rule.  Not sure why – it just is what it is.  I don’t like it, either.  Actually, I find that I sort of have this internal struggle, because I feel like the fact that I am *not* eating is drawing more attention than what I would be eating.  And then, I feel like, maybe, it makes people feel bad.  Like maybe I am not comfortable around them, or that I have some underlying issue.  It isn’t that at all.

I can be comfortable enough to get naked in front of you, but eating a plate of food just seems like the worst thing in the world.

*sigh*

When I was crazy, I would listen to this song when I was feeling pretty disordered.  I was caught between feeling sorry for myself, feeling out of control, and feeling like, “Hey!  At least I’m not shooting heroin.”  Yeah… funny how we reason with ourselves.

I kept it on my iPod for years.  But it became the song that made me feel bad when I listened to it.  I actually felt myself getting crazier when I heard it.  Like, it opened the door for foolish and misleading thoughts.

When I was crazy, I actually withdrew into the illness.  I used it as a shield; like a shelter.  It was my friend.  It was my enemy.  It was my comfort.  It was my pain.  And I used it for every feeling.  To control every single moment of every day.  And the rush of control and relief and panic and shame and guilt… they were all a part of the company I kept in it.

I lied to people.  I had a friend tell me, “I don’t care how much weight you lose, as long as you don’t become one of those crazy people.”  I laughed it off and said, “No… it’s not like that, at all.”  I lied.  I was already starving myself.  And I was just a few months from purging.

I wish I could have been honest.  I wish I could have asked for help.  Right then.  How different things could have been for me.  Instead, I hid behind it.  I thought, “I’ve got this under control” because I mistakenly thought to myself, “I can stop anytime I want.”  Yeah… famous last words, huh?

In hindsight…. is it really different than heroin?  I mean, I didn’t overdose on it.  And thankfully, many moons later, I was able to realize how *not* in control I really was.

It’s taken from then until now to realize a lot of magnitude in this.

I was Hurt.  And I haven’t listened to this song in a long time.  Simply because it makes me hurt all over again.

My public service announcement of the day:
If you stumbled onto this post and you need help, get it.  If any of this rings true for you, get help.  It isn’t admitting weakness to ask for help.  The strongest people I know can ask for help when they need it.  It will get better.  And you will feel better, some day.

But it starts today.  Admitting it.  You will recover.  But it begins today.

Goodnight my angel (lullaby)

30 days of music – Day 27: Name a song that you wish you could play on an instrument

See aforementioned drums and guitar wish.  I am not coordinated enough for either.  Since piano is the only thing I can manage, the song that I wish I could play in its entirety is “Goodnight my angel (Lullaby)” by Billy Joel.  That song is so beautiful… the way it flows, the way it peaks, the way it invokes emotion, the way the music resolves its own dissonance; it’s a thing of beauty.

Just hearing the melodious chords during the bridge, it makes my heart swell.

I can sit and look at the music and slowly… very slowly… manage each individual chord of that bridge.  It’s sad the way I concentrate on it… I wish it came easier.

But, I suppose, when God was handing out artistic talent, he blessed me with other things.  So I should quit whining, huh?

That song is so very special to me.  Someday, when I am old and retired, I will learn how to play it fluidly.  And then, I’ll play it for the universe to enjoy.  Or, just maybe, I’ll play it for me to enjoy.

Again

30 days of music – Day 26: Name a song you can play on an instrument

I have always wanted to play the drums.  And I adore guitar players (if Michael Anthony is reading… call me. 😉 )

Unfortunately, all I know is piano.  And truthfully, I am pretty sucky at it now.  But back in the day (the good ole’ days that weren’t always good), I could play Again by Janet Jackson.

I mainly learned to play piano so I could learn to read music to sing.  Being a sight-reader, and being the person with a photographic memory, I could still bang that song out now, if I wanted to.  I kept the music.  And I have other songs, too, that someday I will play again:

  • Goodnight, my angel (lullaby) – Billy Joel
  • Endless Love – Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross
  • Open Arms – Journey
  • Right Now – Van Halen (I know that’s guitar, but not the beginning)

I get my music fix by playing Guitar Hero.  As a matter of fact, I feel a little GH coming on tonight.  Makes me feel like the rockstar I used to be.  And it’s sweet wonderful time between the hubs and I.

Breakin’ Dishes

30 days of music – Day 25: Name a song that makes you laugh

Okay, this song cracks me up.  Actually, the reason this song cracks me up is the same reason a lot of songs crack me up.  Misheard lyrics.

“Breakin’ dishes” by Rihanna – every single time I hear that song, I laugh.  She says, “I’ma fight a man.”  And when you listen, it sounds like, “I’m a vitamin.”  Like… “vite-a-man” ….. hahahahahahahahaha.  Just thinking of it makes me smile.

Also, Fergie’s “Glamourous”.  At one point she says “mustang” and I could swear she was going to say mustache.  It’s silly, I know.  But these things crack me up.

My BFF (who isn’t reading, I hope), used to think “Miss you much” was “Mishy Mush.”  Ha ha ha ha ha ha.  Oh my goodness.  My cheeks hurt from smiling just as I write this… good times.

As a matter of fact, I take a certain amount of pride in finding and learning the correct lyrics.  But there is a whole website devoted to misheard lyrics.  One rainy afternoon, it brought me a ton of laughs and enjoyment.  Kissthisguy.com  – specifically devoted to Jimi Hendricks’ “Kiss the Sky” song.  Yeah.  Hilarious.

Go now.  I don’t mind.  It’s funny just to see what people mishear.

I’ll be missing you

30 days of music – Day 24: Name a song you want played at your funeral

People think I’m crazy.  Generally, people think I’m crazy.  But this one is a big ole’ reason.

I half-jokingly say that I want to pay people to sit in the pews at my funeral and openly cry for me when I’m gone.  Funerals are the opposite of weddings, I think, in the feeling.  But love is the constant.  Even funerals that aren’t of someone close to me, I cry every time.  Seeing or feeling that hurt… that pain.  It affects me very deeply.  Even knowing that someone is mourning; it breaks my heart.

So back to my funeral… I am sometimes desperate to know how I have affected someone’s life.  I want to know that I’ve made an impact.  I want to know that my place in someone’s life meant something.  I want to know that I was loved.  I want to know that I was important.

It is my opinion that my purpose on this earth is to leave every person a little better than they were when I came to them.  Whether that’s through friendship, the sharing of happy energy, or just a smile to a passerby on the street – I want every person I meet to be happier in some facet.

I am also of the opinion that you can gauge the impact of someone’s life on others when they pass by how long they are mourned.

It is unfair to expect every person to tell me that I have made their life better.  Which is okay.  I take the opportunity to tell people how important they are to me, which is fine.  As long as they know they are appreciated; as long as they know they are loved… that is what warms my heart.

Someday, hopefully many many many years from now, my spirit will sit in at my funeral. (**Side note: I am just saying out into the universe – I must be cremated.  Please don’t bury me.)  I will be there, and I will watch.  And my brain and my heart, inside my human body, wants to see people crying.  I’ll know, then, that I mattered.  But I suspect, when that time comes… I will want to comfort my loved ones.  I will want them to revel in our memories, and feel wrapped in the love that (I hope) will be my legacy.  I hope they will hear my voice and my laugh.  I hope they will feel me near.

The song I chose is “I’ll be missing you” which was a tribute to Biggie Smalls, done by P. Diddy was back in the day.  I don’t know that is the song I want played, but it is the song I think of.

There are others, but all “funeral songs” seem so trite and over done:

  • Time of your life – Green Day
  • One Sweet Day – Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men
  • Anytime – Brian McKnight
  • Once – Van Halen
  • I’ll be there – Jackson 5
  • You’ve got a friend – James Taylor

I live my life, today, for my funeral 100 years from now.  I want to know that I’ve made the world a more loving and happier place.

Maybe I’m not so crazy after all.