It is contradictory, the way I have about myself. I have been told that, many times, I give away too much information. I tell everybody everything about me. It’s been said that when I am upset, everyone in a three block radius knows about. There’s some truth in that – I’m not gonna lie.
To be honest, though, it is all a ruse. I live by the TMI rule because people don’t push when you say too much. But when you say nothing, everyone wants to know more. So, it is a little game I play. I control the depth of my relationships by allowing people into the silence. Even what I am saying right now…. it is meaningless to you, since you don’t know what is really bothering me.
It’s when I am silent that you should be really worried. It’s when I have nothing left to say that you should know that something is wrong. It’s when I can’t raise my voice or add inflection that you should know that I’m losing it.
I’m losing it right now.
I want to run. I want to run so fucking far away. I just want to lace up my shoes and escape like Forrest Gump. I want to hide in myself for a while. I want to hide in safety and comfort; the problem is that I seem to be fresh out of comfort and safety.
Whatev. I’ll survive. Didn’t I say just a post ago that the sun will rise tomorrow? It will. I know that.
Why I am a being so vague? Because it only matters to me. What matters to you, right now as you read this, is that you can identify with this feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. You know, as I do, that sometimes all you can do is sit in this space and allow it to move through you.
That is what I will do. Sit in the discomfort of my pain and let is pass through me.
It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. ~Aristotle Onassis
I’ll try to see the light. Tomorrow.