This is a letter I wrote on the FutureMe.org website that was published in their 2007 book, “Dear Future Me”:
I don’t really know why this seems like the only way you’ll hear the truth. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a wonderful person – inside and out. I guess the first time I sent a letter I thought that, maybe, this would all be over. Sometimes I feel like I will be sick forever. For a while I am fine, and then my thoughts get desperate. I feel sick and fat and ugly and fucked up.
In case you glazed over it last time – THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! At this moment, as I write this, I am a size 8. I have the love of a wonderful man, and a beautiful daughter who is growing and seeing the world around her.
Do you want your beautiful little girl to do this to herself? If you can’t better for you – do it for her. Do it for everyone else who is watching you fall. I am sending this just after you complete your 12 week program. As always, relying on an external force to hopefully get you through this.
Quit starving yourself. Quit denying yourself the love that you deserve. Quit starving yourself to keep out emotion. Food isn’t the enemy. And neither is your body.
Purge yourself of negativity. Starve yourself of sadness. CHOOSE YOUR PATH! What has happened in the past is only an opportunity to grow and learn and change. You fail when you stay still. Quit staying still.
The only play that matters is the next play.
I am making this a public letter. I want anyone who sees this to know the truth about me – even if they don’t know who I am. Maybe someone is reading these letters, searching for an answer, as I was. The answer is there. Inside you. I am bulimic. I starve myself because I think I am fat. At 135 lbs, I was taking laxatives to keep me thin. I wore a size 4. I was eating less than 500 calories a day. Working out more than 600 calories a day. And I was getting sick by the day. I am in recovery now, and haven’t had such negative behavior. But believe me, those demons never let me forget that they aren’t far behind. If you, like me, suffer from self-abusive behavior, get help. It will kill you someday. Physical pain isn’t nearly as bad as emotional pain. Trust me, your scars will heal on the outside. But until you can heal the inside, you’ll always hurt. And it isn’t worth it. If you are reading these letters, looking for answers – you have to see that you must know that there is a problem. If you can’t afford help, tell someone who can be trusted. Tell your family or a friend who doesn’t support your self-abuse. Tell a priest. Tell a guy on the street. Tell everyone. The more you talk, the more people who care will watch and take notice. And it won’t be easy. But you can get better. Doing what is right is almost NEVER doing what is easy.
Remember that. Remember me. Remember that the only play that matters is the next play.