It is with great pain that I am praying this morning. I’ve been awake for hours. I’ve been just lying there, allowing my mind to totally take over and go through the one million possibilities that can come from today’s biopsy. About 90% of them are good. But I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t the 10% that was really messing with my head.
Of those 10%, some of them include survival. Some don’t. And either way, imagining it is more than I can stand.
I’ve learned some lessons, Lord, in the last couple of weeks. The first being: real lumps do grow in the breasts of 16-year-old girls. The close second being: I should take her seriously if she tells me before 7am. But it’s been more than that. I don’t underestimate the love of strangers and the compassion of friends. Most everyone I have told about this has shared a genuine understanding of my fear; I didn’t expect that. Most people said, “It’s probably nothing.” And they’re probably right. And although a week ago I hated that people said it, today I’m grateful.
Lord, she is only 16 years old. I know you know that, but I am imploring you – don’t let this be cancer. She has a whole life ahead of her. And she deserves the shot at living it out without ever having to worry about chemo, radiation, lumpectomies, or anything of that nature.
*sigh* But I know that Your Will be done, and I trust You. That being said…. I’m praying, hard, that you are on my side, this time.
Wait… did I say this time? Okay, yeah – let’s be honest here. I’ve been given a shit deal in my life. They say that You never give more than someone can handle, and I believe that. I’ve handled a lot. A lot a lot. And I can and will handle more. But I don’t want her to bear this burden. She deserves better than what I’ve gotten. She is a perfect sweet creation of amazingness. And she deserves better.
And while I’m praying, I’m want to throw in a good word for all the ladies (and men, I suppose) who are dealing with the real, live thing. I’m praying for them, their families, their friends. I’m praying for the people who have lost the ones they love to it. I know the sheer magnitude of the fear I am dealing with, and I realize that it’s *nothing* compared to the battle these other people are facing, or have dealt with. Lord, for just one day, take their pain and make it easy. Give them a break. They deserve it, too.
All in all…. I am afraid, my God. I am terrified and here it is, before 6am, and I am begging you – don’t let it be cancer.
In Your Precious Name I pray,