It comes and it goes

As I promised I would, I am updating on my progress with the new meds.

It’s been good. The first week was horrific. The time it took for my body to get used to the medication was just awful.

But then it happened… I felt better. Like the fog was lifted; I felt capable again. I had a great week. Not that I didn’t experience frustration and disappointment and even anger at some points… but I was able to tolerate the emotion and move on.

Yesterday I felt it coming… I dunno. It just sort of felt different. For no good reason. I just felt funky. I went to a Halloween party, which was fun. Some of my favorite people in the world were there, and that was nice. Good company; good music; good times. But I was different. I felt like I was on the outside, looking in. I got compliments on my costume (which was a sexy Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz), and I felt good in the costume. It was short and showed off my boobs and not unlike *anything* I normally wear for Halloween. I was totally comfortable in it.

But I was distant. I didn’t feel like I belonged there. I didn’t overly socialize. I kept to my “safe-group” which consisted of about 5-6 people who know me best. BFF #2 was enjoying herself (which she should; after all, it’s her party). She was doing shots, talking with her guests (at least most of them). I’m happy that she was having a good time. I, on the other hand, didn’t want or feel the need to be involved in that.

We spent our time there and decided to go home a little after midnight. As I was getting ready to leave, she said, “I didn’t see you at all during this party. Like… at all.” Okay, she was right. But I said, “Well, I was down there (meaning the living room) and you were up here (in the kitchen/sitting room).” She said, “Well, down there is where all the anti-social people were!” All I said was, “That’s true.” We said our goodbyes and I went home.

But it is really fucking with me, on a number of levels. Let me first disclaim that this is *my* issue and not hers. I am not angry with her, because she didn’t know that this would mess with me. But…

  1. Why is it *my* job to socialize with other people? I didn’t see them coming down to socialize with me. None of them introduced themselves or came down to say hello or any of those things. They stuck to their group, and I to mine. So why is it on *me* to be that person?
  2. I honestly don’t care about them. As I am getting older I find that I don’t enjoy big group settings. I don’t like it. I like small settings, where I feel like I can have meaningful conversation. I don’t want to spend any time in “small talk”, which primarily consists of bullshit that you only say to fill the awkward space. Maybe that’s just me…
  3. On the other hand, and to BFF #2’s point, I *used* to be that girl. I used to like meeting new people and socializing and getting out in front of people and being that girl that everyone remembered because I was so friendly…. what happened to me?
  4. While I don’t really care… I have all this anxiety that I should care and I should be doing something to not be this way. But every fiber in my body is telling me that I just don’t feel like it. And I can’t seem to get my heart and my mind to agree on it.

So today I am barely pulling through. I spent most of the morning in tears. In bed, wide awake, praying to God for relief. I finally got up, made breakfast. And finally… took a Xanax. It’s mellowing me out. Which helps. Not crying anymore. Not feeling out of control.

But the feeling of hopelessness remains.

It’s just one day, I know. It’s okay to have regular emotions – happy, sad, angry, disappointed, excited… but what’s really throwing me, today, is the expectation that I’m not sure is someone elses, or my own. And what should I do about it?

I dunno. It comes and it goes, I guess. Which is fine. Tomorrow’s another day.

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