I haven’t quite figured out the title for this yet. I don’t even really know where it’s going… just that I need to write. I need to spend some of my anxious energy on something.
I haven’t been able to shake it. Whatever “this” is. I have glimpses of relief. They come in short spurts and then they go. It’s just a funk. I wish I could put my finger on it. My “safe” group, that list of a few people who I feel really comfortable around seems to be shrinking. Due to no fault of their own, I’m finding that a few people have fallen off the list. It isn’t that I don’t love them… I just can’t handle their drama. Their craziness makes me crazy. I’ve got enough crazy, right now. So for now…. I’m withdrawn.
I feel very lonely. There’s a quote in the movie Titanic where Rose says, “I feel as if I’m in a room screaming and no one even. looks. up.” I feel just like that. More than anything I want to be coddled a little. Not babysat… just… for God’s sake… tell me I’m worth something. Show me I’m loved. Tell me I’m important. It’s not like I’m going to do anything drastic to myself. I’m not in *that* place. But I am incredibly lonely. People all around me and I am the loneliest person in the world.
It’s self-inflicted. I get that. It’s all me. That’s almost worse than it being someone else’s fault. Because when it’s me, and I can’t change it, I’m just left to sink in the quicksand of my own emotion.
*sigh* The holidays are the worst for me. I hate Christmas. All these people who are like, “Keep Christ in Christmas” are the first ones to bowl you over when you’re in line at the checkout. Walk into Target, or Home Depot. Look at all those huge blow-up decorations and overpriced lawn ornaments…. tell me – where’s Christ in that? And beyond that, I just hate the pressure of gift-giving. I love giving presents and I love getting them. But the obligation of having to give someone something just because they exist. Oh… and then the pressure of having to come up with something I want. I dread it. I generally don’t want anything. I mean… stuff here and there. But I’m not saving up a list of stupid shit I want to buy around Christmas, just so I have a bunch of boxes with my name on it under the tree.
I could hibernate from the Friday after Thanksgiving all the way to New Year’s Eve and be totally fine. I like New Years. Another movie quote, this time from Forrest Gump. “Don’t you love the new year? It’s like you get to start over. …Everyone deserves a second chance.”
I go on a mini-vacation from work next week. 6 days without having to work. Thank God. It couldn’t come fast enough. Maybe I’ll feel better after some down time.