I got nothin’

I haven’t quite figured out the title for this yet.  I don’t even really know where it’s going… just that I need to write.  I need to spend some of my anxious energy on something.

I haven’t been able to shake it.  Whatever “this” is.  I have glimpses of relief.  They come in short spurts and then they go.  It’s just a funk.  I wish I could put my finger on it.  My “safe” group, that list of a few people who I feel really comfortable around seems to be shrinking.  Due to no fault of their own, I’m finding that a few people have fallen off the list.  It isn’t that I don’t love them… I just can’t handle their drama.  Their craziness makes me crazy.  I’ve got enough crazy, right now.  So for now…. I’m withdrawn.

I feel very lonely.  There’s a quote in the movie Titanic where Rose says, “I feel as if I’m in a room screaming and no one even. looks. up.”  I feel just like that.  More than anything I want to be coddled a little.  Not babysat… just… for God’s sake… tell me I’m worth something.  Show me I’m loved.  Tell me I’m important.  It’s not like I’m going to do anything drastic to myself.  I’m not in *that* place.  But I am incredibly lonely.  People all around me and I am the loneliest person in the world.

It’s self-inflicted.  I get that.  It’s all me.  That’s almost worse than it being someone else’s fault.  Because when it’s me, and I can’t change it, I’m just left to sink in the quicksand of my own emotion.

*sigh*  The holidays are the worst for me.  I hate Christmas.  All these people who are like, “Keep Christ in Christmas” are the first ones to bowl you over when you’re in line at the checkout.  Walk into Target, or Home Depot.  Look at all those huge blow-up decorations and overpriced lawn ornaments…. tell me – where’s Christ in that?  And beyond that, I just hate the pressure of gift-giving.  I love giving presents and I love getting them.  But the obligation of having to give someone something just because they exist.  Oh… and then the pressure of having to come up with something I want.  I dread it.  I generally don’t want anything.  I mean… stuff here and there.  But I’m not saving up a list of stupid shit I want to buy around Christmas, just so I have a bunch of boxes with my name on it under the tree.

I could hibernate from the Friday after Thanksgiving all the way to New Year’s Eve and be totally fine.  I like New Years.  Another movie quote, this time from Forrest Gump. “Don’t you love the new year?  It’s like you get to start over.   …Everyone deserves a second chance.”

I go on a mini-vacation from work next week.  6 days without having to work.  Thank God.  It couldn’t come fast enough.  Maybe I’ll feel better after some down time.

…….I hope.


4 thoughts on “I got nothin’

  1. You remind me of Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets:

    “Sell crazy someplace else. We’re all stocked up here.”

    Sometimes you have to tell people to get lost, or just withdraw from them. The key is knowing who this applies to and who can actually help you, because staying too withdrawn for too long will not help you get out of the funk.

    Hopefully the Christmas season will pass quickly and then things will get better for you.

    Please keep doing what you do here… I don’t know if it’s therapeutic for you, but I’m sure it helps others. Either way, it’s worth it.

    • Thank you. It means a lot to me, that you think that maybe it’s helping someone else. Yeah, it helps to get it out of my head. Seems to make a little more sense out here (she points to the screen) than in here (she points to her head).
      I do hope that someone, somewhere, knows that while this feels very isolating, they really aren’t alone. I know that while I feel very lonely… I’ve got angels all around me.

      Depression is a lying bastard. And his sister, Anxiety, is an evil bitch. And they both like to convince you that you’re screwed up. The longer you believe them, the longer they get to stick around.

      Your comment came at a perfect time for me. I’m having a really really bad day. I’m learning, little by little, how I’m going to make it through this. And sweet people like you help. Thank you.

  2. No, you haven’t got nothing. You have a unique perspective, that’s worth seeing more of.
    This is a great, meaningful post, and it made me think.

    My situation is different from yours (not even close), but even in my “normalcy” (really? are any of us normal?), there is plenty here that applies to me, and I thank you for phrasing it so well.

    Rock on, theflameinside

    • Thank you. That’s very kind of you. It’s been quite the journey, that’s for sure. From the very beginning of this, having no real idea what was happening and thinking I was crazy (or weak), to now…just pushing through.
      I’m trying this week to just focus on being grateful. And today I’m grateful for a gracious reader. Thank you!

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