Magical pathways (and why I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house)

Stay tuned for the actual point of this post, but here’s the “is-she-crazy-or-not” update.

That really great feeling from a few days ago?  It’s gone.  But I’m not quite buried in the fog, again.  I’m just…neutral.  Thanksgiving was nice.  No pressure.  I cooked.  We ate.  Watched football.  It was lovely.  I was feeling a little anxiety early on, but by the end of the evening it had passed.  Now I’m neither up or down.  Just… I’m here.  And I’m content with that today.

Christmas madness has begun.  I don’t do the whole “Black Friday” thing.  I’m pretty sure that buffets and Black Friday bring out the worst in humanity.  There’s no social order; it’s total anarchy.  Plus, don’t even get me started on all the Christmas music you’re forced to endure while shopping with all the other wackos.

I did go out, but it wasn’t until 1pm.  That’s a normal hour of the day to shop.  In my opinion, at least.  Which leads me to the topic of this post:

So there we were at The Great Indoors, which is closing in our neck of the woods.  Maybe they’re all closing?  It would make sense – I saw a robe hook for the bathroom door that cost $44.  For $44, I will drape it over the toilet like everyone else. And that was where the ridculousness started.  That place was bankruptcy waiting to happen.

At any rate, the hubs and I are walking around the store and half-snickering, half-actually-looking at the “closeout prices” of random items.  I put “closeout prices” in quotes because I’m certain the prices we saw were their sales prices.  Who pays $20 for a towel?  A regular, white bath towel?  I rubbed it all over and a genie did *not* pop out and grant me three wishes. Not even one wish.  A genie didn’t even pop out and scowl at me.  Bottom line: considering there was no genie involved, the towel was clearly over priced.

We continue on this adventure, making mostly quiet snide comments about robe hooks and the $7000 round hot tub that was “clearanced” from $8000.

Then, we stumble upon this gem.  This beautiful wardrobe closet.  I’m marveling at it, and say to the hubs, “You think it’s the path to Narnia?  Or maybe the Mirror of Erised from Harry Potter?”  At this point, the sales person came over to inform me that this sweet little piece of furniture is 125 years old, and was originally priced at $22,000.  The good people at The Great Indoors are willing to part with it for only $7500.  I say, with the straightest face, “Do you think it is the path to Narnia?”  She looked at me, at first, like she *thought* she heard what I said, but couldn’t believe someone would ask such a thing.  So she says, “Excuse me?”

Me: Do you think this might be the path to Narnia?
Her: (blank look) Um….
Me: OR… it could be that mirror from Harry Potter.  The one where he sees his dead parents in the mirror.  I don’t have dead parents.  So all I see is me.
Her: Um…. (still looking at me like I have a cat on my face)
Me: I’m going with Narnia.
Her: (gathering her whereabouts at this point) *clearing her throat* It is from France. (it’s cute… she’s trying to stay collected and professional)
Me: Hmmmm… Narnians could be French?  I suppose anything is possible.
Her: …..Maybe?

At this point she literally walks away *just* before I asked her to open it so I could investigate the passage.  Too bad.  It could’ve been a whole new adventure!

And this is why I shouldn’t be allowed out in public.

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11 thoughts on “Magical pathways (and why I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house)

  1. This is funny stuff! I could not have kept a straight face, but it would only work if you do. I think you really SHOULD be allowed out in public, because people like this need to be messed with occasionally.

    Some good shopping tips in here too: Don’t ever pay $20 for a towel that doesn’t at least have a genie of some kind in it, and never pay $7000 for a wardrobe unless it doubles as a passageway to a magical world.

    You are truly a savvy shopper, and you’re right: The Great Indoors is doomed for bankruptcy.

    Hope if your mood shifts away from neutral it will go in the direction of invincible and not toward depressed!

    • Why, thank you, kind sir. 🙂
      I generally have NO poker face. I am so easy to read- like a preschool book that only has pictures in it. But every once and a while I’m struck with the nerve and then we have this.
      In hindsight, I probably do that more often than I’m aware. Many an early morning shopping trip with BFF #1 has found me making strangers laugh with my observations (admittedly sometimes inappropriate).

      So far as my mood, I hope you’re right. I’m documenting it for a couple of reasons: 1) I honestly think that this up and down is “normal”. People who aren’t on meds have these days. It’s just, for me, it feels very exaggerated. And 2) I hope anyone else who’s reading and relating knows that someone else is going through it, too. And it’s not the end of the world. Tomorrow, the sun will rise.
      🙂

  2. The up and down is totally normal.

    And not only should you be allowed out, but you could go on tour. Really, there are some folks at the local Best Buy that really need to be blindsided by other.

    If only to distract them while I actually check the ports on the back of the TV instead of being asked to take their word for it.

    Can you get to Narnia through a tv?

    Are you going to call your tour “The Quest for Narnia and Good Coffee” tour.
    Great idea. Let me know when you’re selling t-shirts! And when you’ll be in Guam – I’ve always wanted to go to Guam!

    (Hopefully the sideways is normal too, otherwise I’m screwed)

    • If I went on tour, it’d be like the Charlie Sheen Crazy Torpedo of Insanity Tour (or whatever it was called). And yeah…I did totally go see that. It was awesome; he was crazy. Money well spent.

      I do believe the ups and downs are normal. I actually some days feel a little manic. When you feel so good and “up” and you feel hopeful and optimistic…then you crash….it’s not the “down” that’s the worst- it’s the fall. But I’m making it through. Thanks for your kindness. 🙂

      I’m pretty sure you *can* get to Narnia through a TV. It’s gotta be one of those 80″ monstrosities, though. Then you sit really close, like so close you have to move your head from one side of the enormous screen to the other. Squint your eyes right, and tilt your head to the left. Not the right! That’ll take you to Diagon Alley. 😉 It works best if you do this *in* a Best Buy.

      Speaking of Best Buy- I did have one of these moments with the DirecTV guy. He approached us and offered us the service. We already have it. So he offered the NFL ticket. Now- I bleed football and I want the NFL ticket SO bad! But I say, “Yeah….we can’t have that.”

      DTV guy: Why
      Me: (pointing at the hubs and whispering even though the hubs can hear): Because he’s evil.
      DTV guy: Evil? What?
      The hubs: I’m cheap- not evil
      Me: (speaking normally) He never lets me have anything I want. I’m surprised he even let me out today.
      The hubs: (eyes rolling) Whatever
      Me: See? He’s an ass.

      At this point the DTV guy realizes that we’re way past scripted objections and says, “Um…okay. Have a good night.” And that was that.

      I’ve got moments of brilliance. 😀

  3. Okay see, this is exactly why I would WANT to go shopping with you. That sounds like a blast.
    First time reader. When I get a chance I’m going to come back and read some old posts!

    • Well, thanks for reading! The hubs (and friends) are sometimes half-amused/half-mortified that I do this every-so-often.

      One of the funniest posts is about my conversation with my kiddo about her “womanly change” (called “Why I stopped at one”). That would be a good one to check out. 😀
      Or the one when I discuss one of my least favorite words (called “Fine, I’ll say it, but not yet”).
      All in all, whatever you read, I hope you enjoy it. Even the ones when I’m not super funny.

      Thanks, again, for reading! Have a great day!

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