When you’ve got nothin’, you’ve got nothin’ to lose

**Just to start out, for those who’ve visited my blog before: check the sweet new logo I designed. I also messed around with the background, too. I’m super happy with it. And now my blog feels a little more like mine. I thought of it in an anxiety-riddled sleepless night. Yup…this is what I think about at 3am while I’m wide awake staring darkness in the face: logos. I actually think of other things, too. People… but that’s not this post.

This post is about my job. I haven’t documented how awful my job is, because it really isn’t. The reason I am looking for a new job (unsuccessfully, so far), is because the pressure of what’s expected of me has been too much to bear. So you might be wondering what I do. I’m in marketing (and design), trying to expand a business that’s been slowly dying. Additionally, I haven’t been given the time or tools to be successful. And the worst part is that I actually hold myself accountable to those unrealistic expectations.

But now I’m starting to lose my hold on my give-a-damn. I just don’t care, anymore, about that place. It’s so unhealthy. And today, I told my boss that I was taking meds so I could handle working there. It was somewhat liberating. He said, “We need to get you off Xanax. You shouldn’t have to take that.”

…..At first I could feel the irritation creep up my back and take residence in my neck… but I simply said, “You’re right. I shouldn’t. But we should take a break from the ideal world we think we should live in, and look at the reality we actually live in.” Score one for me. And that empowered me. I actually felt better than I have in a while. I told him, plainly and directly, that I didn’t blame him. I don’t. But that my limit had been reached a while ago, and it’s not acceptable for me to live with the pressure and unrealistic expectations and slowly lose the battle everyday. Until that changes, I have to do what’s best for me. And I’m proud of that.

A special shout out to the amazing friend that always believes in me. It’s been because of that love and support that I’ve been able to continue and push through some of the deep, dark places I’ve been in.

The last couple of days have been better. Knowing that I have direction has released me from some of the weight that was crushing me.

That and……… I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been drinking my fair share of milk, lately. Yum. I see a new ad campaign ahead for dairy farmers:
“Milk….it keeps you out of the loony bin.”

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2 thoughts on “When you’ve got nothin’, you’ve got nothin’ to lose

  1. Saw the new logo yesterday. Looks very elegant. Also fits nicely with the holiday season.

    Congrats on saying something to your boss. I’m sure that took some courage, even as you start to not care so much.
    You’ll be able to find a new job soon enough. Another month or two (not sure how much hiring goes on in December – fewer openings since fewer people leave their jobs for the holidays, I think. Jan/Feb has always been pretty good to me), and you’ll be all set.

    Though if your boss gets a chance to do the Milk/Looney bin pitch to the dairy folks, maybe you’ll be able to just retire instead…

    And remeber, Milk is a gateway food. Next thing, you’ll be eating squash, okra, barley… You’ll start your own vegetable and herb patches, dealing dime bags of fresh parsely…

    • Oh my gosh, Guapo! Would you believe me if I said I’d been dealing fresh herbs and vegetables for the last several months? Basil….I’m a basil pusher. Maybe I’ve already gone to the green side….the side of all-natural alternatives. The fresh side….

      Yeah, it was a tough choice to tell him, but I felt like he should know what kind of pressure I was under. And beyond that, now that he knows, when I leave, he’ll know why.

      I kinda figured the same thing about hiring in December. I’ll just be diligent about it. What happens is what happens. When the universe is ready for me to move on, I will. The right job is out there…. Until then, I’ll stick with my “garden” and milk.

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