Figuring it out, and why I wish I never did

They say that knowledge is power.  But I tend to think that ignorance is bliss.  Not knowing that you don’t know is a wonderful thing.  Sometimes knowing the truth brings pain…. I don’t always think that knowledge is power.

I had a good holiday, for all the right reasons.  I enjoyed time with family and friends.  I got to spend the days with my daughter and the hubs, and togetherness is truly what Christmas is about, for me.

But… in one fell swoop, I was suddenly reminded why I have a sincere disdain for the season.  I don’t want to share all of it, but it was related to the sexual abuse I endured for years as a child.  Suffice it to say that I really had no memory of the awfulness until Saturday night.  And it all came back to me.  With one swift movement, I went from trying to enjoy the day to really being consumed by the memories of one of the worst atrocities I’ve ever lived through.  It hurt.  I hurt.  I still hurt.  I cried and cried and cried.

I went on, through the weekend.  I mostly slept.  Besides still being on the recovering end of bronchitis (which is, in itself, exhausting), I just felt like sleep was the better choice.  I was tired. But I tried to be amicable.  Cheery was probably more than I could manage, but pleasant was as far as I could make it.

Xanax has helped control the mood swings.  Thankfully.  But unless there is a pill that makes you forget things, I sort of have to soldier through it, for now.

I fall between anger and sadness and guilt and self-loathing and disappointment and emptiness.

In a hole_Courtesy of Amy Holsinger

This is what I feel like.

For any of you who have faced depression and anxiety,you know what an oppressive companion it can be in your life.  I’m trying not to listen to the terrible things that are playing in my head.  But coming to terms with the terrible things that others have done to you can be a challenge.  I get the whole “forgiveness” thing.  Truth-be-told, I don’t want to.  Forgiveness is defined as releasing someone from retribution or debt; concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake.

Here’s the thing: I won’t ever stop demanding retribution.  I won’t ever release him from it.  I won’t ever conclude resentment.  I won’t, and I will not.  I know all about the bullshit, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”  Nope.  Forgiveness is also something you give to someone who deserves it.  And he doesn’t.

And I’m angry about it.  Still.  Knowledge isn’t always power.  I was fine in the blissful ignorance that I kept company with.  As far as I was concerned, I just didn’t like the holiday.  It was fine with me.  But now I know.  I wish I didn’t.  Knowledge isn’t always power.

“They say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting.”

P.S.  My apologies to my readers.  How much does it suck to read this boo-hoo sad story?  I’ll get back to semi-normal soon.  I promise.


2 thoughts on “Figuring it out, and why I wish I never did

  1. “I’ll get back to semi-normal soon”
    I don’t think there’s anything abnormal about you.
    I may be totally out of line here and sincerely hope I’m not. If so, delete and I completely understand. Or call me a jackass. I can take it..

    From my own experience (way way less traumatic then yours), knowing why I feel a way about something – especially if it is caused by someone else, just pushes me to reclaim the thing for myself.
    And the anger I feel toward that person for trying to take it away in the first place is a huge motivator for me.
    I can’t imagine what happened, but just the fact that you have the strength to talk about it is inspiring and humbling.
    And you have Hubs and daughter to lean on, even if you don’t talk about the cause.

    I think knowing the thing lets you take steps to go beyond letting it define you (or the place/date/etc…), and gives you the chance to remake it as what you want it to be, and creating associations for it that can make you happy.

    I’ve probably typed a load of hooey above, but maybe there’s something useful in there…

    Shine on, flame!

    • That’s not hooey, at all, Guap. Not even a little. I’m pretty much devastated now, but I’m hoping that maybe next year will be better. Maybe knowing why will allow me to process it, appropriately, in the next 363 days and come from a place that is more peaceful.

      I did share it with one person. Just got it all out. It was hard and very painful. But it got it out of my head a little. I know, though, that when you hear someone share something so very terrible and so very upsetting, it’s hard for them, too, because they love you. So I’m not burdening anyone else with it, because it can’t be easy to hear.

      You’re right… maybe there is some power in it down the road.

      And thank you. It’s actually a compliment to hear that I’m not abnormal. One of my favorite quotes from Ally McBeal is “Remember, when you’re with me, it’s the only time you’re not the strangest person in the room. So go ahead, get weird with me.” That’s me. I make anyone else *not* the strangest person in the room. So thanks for looking past it.

      You’re a wise man, Guap. I’m happy I know you.

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