Resolutions of 2012 (and what I learned from 2011)

Move forward or get stuck in the past

Choose, but choose wisely.

It is always something I enjoy doing – making my resolutions.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Resolutions are goals.  People who are like, “I don’t make resolutions ’cause it’s stupid” are likely to be the people with no aim or direction.  They probably float through life, accidental like, waiting for things to happen, rather than making them happen on their own.  I take issue with those people.  Now, conversely, if you’re the person who is constantly setting goals and re-evaluating them, then the prior statement doesn’t apply to you.

I’m not a fan of the cop-out resolutions.  Without defining, clearly, what your commitment is to, it’s easy to let them slip away.  If you go with the ones that are often broken (weight-loss, less debt, more family time, etc), you’ll find that you will have lost sight of them by March.  Because life happens and it’s easy to get off track.  Not that those goals aren’t worthy and/or easy.  They are *very* important and often difficult to achieve.  But, I guess I’m a bigger fan of goals that go deeper than that.

When I made my 2011 goals, my life was in a decidedly different place.  I stuck with many of my resolutions, but not all.  I’m okay with that.

I learned a lot from 2011.  I learned that things can change slowly, but you often realize the gravity of those changes all at once.  I learned that emotions that are bottled up for too long will find a way out.  I learned that my strength is a sleeping giant, but it will prevail.  I learned that, without direction, I am lost.  I learned that no one will speak better for me than I can.

So for 2012, here are some of the big ones:

  • I need to keep an outlet for my emotions.  A person or activity or both.  I need a place to vent, and I need an activity to safely process my emotions.  Currently, I have those.  I need to remember to use them and not feel weak when I do.
  • I will continue to focus on my physical health.  Not to lose weight, per se.  But to keep my body healthy by keeping my mind engaged.  I lost about 20 lbs in 2012.  And I did it through active participation from my mind.  I will keep that focus.
  • I will speak up when I have a concern.  But when I do, I will be insightful and kind.  It does no good to be hurtful.  I generally don’t do that, when I do say something.  But I find that the first step is speaking up.  I will speak up more often.
  • I will read more.  I read a lot during 2011, but I want to read even more in 2012.  It helps my subconscious process things while I escape.  Plus, it makes me a better writer.  Can’t argue with that.
  • I will be featured by WordPress at least once as a featured writer.  So, you hear that, WordPress peeps?  Pay attention to me, please!  I have stuff worth saying (most of the time).
  • I will be off meds by the end of the year.  So long as I am ready, at least.  I don’t want to take myself off them before I’m ready, but I will take the steps to try to be ready to do that.  Meds weren’t ever a long-term solution.  And although I am much more comfortable with my choice, now (thanks to my very dear friend who helped me through the decision), I don’t want it to be a forever thing.
  • BFF #1 and I will go blazing at least four times this year.  I value that time, so much.  And it gives us both an opportunity to express ourselves creatively.  That’s a good thing.  Plus, I got some kick-ass photographs this year.  I want that to happen again.

I have some others, but these were the biggies.  I have one more, though.  It’s one of the most important, I think:

  • I will take care of myself.  My mind, my body, my soul.  I will reward myself with things that make me happy without guilt and shame.  I will enjoy myself, and being in my own skin.
    I am a worthy person.  I know this, deep down in the cockles of my heart.  But I will practice it, in 2012.

What are your goals?  Do you make them?  If not, why?  And if so, what are some of them?

I hope you all have a wonderful, safe and exciting New Years celebration.  Don’t drink and drive, and move forward into a new year with love and determination to be the best person you can be.

I’ll end 2011 with a quote from my favorite movie, of all time: Forrest Gump.

“Don’t you just love New Years? It’s like you get to start over.  …..Everyone deserves a second chance.”

I got nothin’

I haven’t quite figured out the title for this yet.  I don’t even really know where it’s going… just that I need to write.  I need to spend some of my anxious energy on something.

I haven’t been able to shake it.  Whatever “this” is.  I have glimpses of relief.  They come in short spurts and then they go.  It’s just a funk.  I wish I could put my finger on it.  My “safe” group, that list of a few people who I feel really comfortable around seems to be shrinking.  Due to no fault of their own, I’m finding that a few people have fallen off the list.  It isn’t that I don’t love them… I just can’t handle their drama.  Their craziness makes me crazy.  I’ve got enough crazy, right now.  So for now…. I’m withdrawn.

I feel very lonely.  There’s a quote in the movie Titanic where Rose says, “I feel as if I’m in a room screaming and no one even. looks. up.”  I feel just like that.  More than anything I want to be coddled a little.  Not babysat… just… for God’s sake… tell me I’m worth something.  Show me I’m loved.  Tell me I’m important.  It’s not like I’m going to do anything drastic to myself.  I’m not in *that* place.  But I am incredibly lonely.  People all around me and I am the loneliest person in the world.

It’s self-inflicted.  I get that.  It’s all me.  That’s almost worse than it being someone else’s fault.  Because when it’s me, and I can’t change it, I’m just left to sink in the quicksand of my own emotion.

*sigh*  The holidays are the worst for me.  I hate Christmas.  All these people who are like, “Keep Christ in Christmas” are the first ones to bowl you over when you’re in line at the checkout.  Walk into Target, or Home Depot.  Look at all those huge blow-up decorations and overpriced lawn ornaments…. tell me – where’s Christ in that?  And beyond that, I just hate the pressure of gift-giving.  I love giving presents and I love getting them.  But the obligation of having to give someone something just because they exist.  Oh… and then the pressure of having to come up with something I want.  I dread it.  I generally don’t want anything.  I mean… stuff here and there.  But I’m not saving up a list of stupid shit I want to buy around Christmas, just so I have a bunch of boxes with my name on it under the tree.

I could hibernate from the Friday after Thanksgiving all the way to New Year’s Eve and be totally fine.  I like New Years.  Another movie quote, this time from Forrest Gump. “Don’t you love the new year?  It’s like you get to start over.   …Everyone deserves a second chance.”

I go on a mini-vacation from work next week.  6 days without having to work.  Thank God.  It couldn’t come fast enough.  Maybe I’ll feel better after some down time.

…….I hope.